the right way to fight with your partner...

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Marriage: Fighting fair
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board

There's no such thing as a conflict-free marriage. You will fight — and you'll simply disagree. In fact, if you don't have an occasional quarrel, one of you is probably holding something in, which isn't healthy. But there is a good way to fight. An effective fighting style is an essential ingredient of a good marriage. Judith Wallerstein, in her book The Good Marriage, recommends using these strategies to reach an agreement:

Agree on how you'll disagreeMost couples who fight effectively have actually made rules about how to do it. What does this mean? They've recognized the inevitability of conflict and know how to deal with it. In calmer moments, talk about how you want to handle arguments. You might agree never to go to bed angry, or that when a disagreement arises, you'll take a walk together to talk things out.

Fight niceIt's essential that you argue without belittling your spouse. In a good fight, you should be able to fight freely, without the fear that one of you will walk out the door. Don't call names, blame, or drag the kids into the argument — there are no winners in these situations.

Don't digressThough some couples just seem to have the same fight over and over, try not to bring up every — or any — past grievances when you argue. Instead, focus on the immediate issue at hand ("I wish you'd noticed that Julia needed her clothes changed") rather than a general situation ("You never pay any attention to what the baby needs!").

Take time outWhen things heat up, take a break. This will help you avoid moving into the realm of the irrational. Later, when you've both cooled down, talk to each other and ask: "How do we resolve this? Let's really talk about how we feel and how we can fix it." It's also a good idea to move some arguments behind closed doors, especially if you're arguing about the baby.

Make up loudlyOr at least in front of the kids. No matter how old they are, they need to know that it's okay for their parents to fight, as long as they reach a resolution. With older kids, you can let them know you've reached an agreement, a compromise, or a solution, or simply agreed to disagree. Let babies see you be affectionate and nurturing toward each other. Nothing benefits children as much as seeing that their parents can differ and then resolve a conflict, and make up in a loving and caring way.